Raising Our Strong-Willed Girl

Reese is definitely strong-willed in nature and has been since she was a newborn. When she was a baby she cried loudly, demanded everything instantly, didn't sleep well, was difficult to soothe, didn't take pacifiers, and met most developmental milestones ahead of the norm. Although that strong-willed personality has been challenging since the beginning, it has definitely come out more and more as she has gotten older and it hasn't necessarily gotten any easier. The twos have been full of fun and challenges so far. She has definitely tested our patience. The good news is, most things are phases and after a week or two we are back to "normal." Also, she is just getting to the age (2 1/2) where she can be reasoned with just a little. In the last 6 months she has gone through phases of refusing: dinner, to sit in a chair during meals, bath, bedtime, brushing her teeth, brushing her hair, fixing her hair, wearing clothes, riding in the car seat, going to daycare, going home, drinking from a cup, drinking water (she only wants milk or juice), trimming her nails, and leaving almost every public place we visit. And I'm sure there are tons more I am forgetting. This summer has been SO good for us because we are not tied to our morning hustle and bustle schedule like we are during the school year. Most of our trying times are because we are running late and she is refusing to do something. I have read about every article on how to deal with a strong-willed child and in the end, here are the things that work for us (most of the time).

• Transition Warnings- I give her warnings when we are getting ready to transition to another activity. Even when we are getting ready in the morning, I will tell her that I'm going to brush my teeth and then we are going to do her hair. That way she's not totally surprised later on. I had to do this the other day at Botanica when she didn't want to leave the trains. I told her we were leaving in 5 minutes to see the butterflies. Then I gave her a 3 minute and 1 minute warning as well.

• Sticker Chart- We just started a sticker chart when she decided to refuse all morning and evening routines at once. She gets a sticker when she completes each activity (getting dressed, brushing teeth, taking a bath, putting on pjs). There isn't anything extra tied to it- just a sticker, but it seems to be working, for now. Does it always work? No. But, it helps when she knows the expectation and knows she will have to do the task no matter what and it's her choice whether she gets a sticker or not.

• Time Out- I know everyone has their opinions about time out, but it works for us. We have a spot on the floor behind the couch that we put her when she continues to disobey directions. We tell her why she is sitting there, wait about 1-2 minutes, and come back. I think the most important part of time out is processing with them at the end. We tell her what she did that was not acceptable, tell her what we'd like her to do, and we always end with a hug and and "I love you." Most of the time she discontinues the behavior after time out.

• Choices- We do this about 800 times a day. We let her choose which activity she does first (pjs or brush teeth), where she wants go (park or walk around the neighborhood), where she wants to sit in the cart (front or back), what she wants to ride in (wagon, stroller, or bike), etc. Either way it's a win-win because she gets to make a decision and we get compliance! A new thing we've let her choose is what she puts on her plate for dinner. We used to put everything on plates before we went to the table, but after reading this article- Turning My Picky Eater Around- we've changed to more of a "family-style" dinner. We pass the food around and Reese decides if she wants it on her plate. This gives us an opportunity to describe the foods to her (especially if they're new). She also says "yes" to everything, so that makes it easier. She doesn't always eat everything, but at least she feels like she has some say in what goes on her plate and she seems excited to have it there, since she asked for it. She is eating a lot more dinner than she was eating (it was our worst meal of the day) AND she has tried a lot of new foods that she wouldn't normally eat.

• Helping- Reese loves to help and we let her! She loves to do little jobs around the house (take this to daddy, stir this, etc). We try to empower her as much as possible. Sometimes we have to make up little things for her to do if she's not able to help with a particular project. We want her to feel valued and put all that strong-willed energy to use.

One big lesson I've learned is not to judge other parents. Before I had Reese, I would never fathom I would be the kind of parent who would let their child ride in the back of the cart through Target with a candy bar. But, yeah, that happened a few weeks ago. She chose the back of the cart and it was not a battle I was going to fight. She got the candy bar for going potty at Target because she had been struggling to go to the bathroom in public places. Parent of the year right here. :-)

Even with all these tricks, we still have our rough days. We also have our amazing days where she is a perfect angel and we don't have to do any of this. I think surviving the twos is all about knowing that the phases don't last very long, other parents/kids are going through the same thing, and that having a strong-willed child means that you're going to have a strong-willed adult who will grow up to do amazing things! We loved our strong-willed girl and we wouldn't want her to be any different. Her spunky personality brings us so much joy and happiness.

Do you have a strong-willed child? What works for you?